Consider asking your father about his choices. If your father did things or made choices that hurt you as a child, you might wonder why he did these things. Perhaps you've made up reasons to explain his actions, but you might be unaware of his real motives. Maybe there were circumstances that you didn't know about as a child that he can share with you now. How did you meet? Be open to hearing what he has to say. Don't blame him for what's past. Statements like "You always did this to me After all, there's nothing he can do to change the past now.
Start with the people you are now. If there are lingering feelings from the past, they are yours to work on. Go to source If your parents mistreated, abused or neglected you in the past, it wasn't your fault. You can seek help for your wounds in therapy, counseling, or support groups. The patterns of blaming can be surprisingly deep. If you find yourself getting angry, defensive, or hurt, pause. Take a deep breath.
Notice your thoughts, and consider if it seems that you're going into familiar blaming thoughts. Remember that you can't change him. You couldn't change him when you were a child, and you still can't. Accepting this truth will help you improve your relationship. Feel free to talk to a trusted friend, counselor, or mentor if your feelings start getting intense.
Stop taking his actions personally. Remember that whatever your father does or doesn't do has more to do with him than you. The stories that you tell yourself about your father's intentions are just stories, and aren't necessarily true. For example, are you finding that you're often the victim of your father's behavior?
If so, that's likely a pattern that's continued into other relationships. Allowing yourself new insights into possible alternatives to your dad's behavior provides you with new stories about your own life.
Remember that your dad, like most people, is probably busy. If he doesn't return your phone call, that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He might have been busy, or simply forgotten. Learning to give your dad the benefit of the doubt will go a long way in deepening the connection you have together. Realize that nobody's perfect. Your father will make mistakes.
This doesn't make you a victim. It just makes him human. If you let go of the belief that your dad should be perfect, you'll have an easier time connecting with him. The belief that there is a right and wrong way to be a father is rooted in setting up expectations that will eventually fail. Don't compare your dad to other fathers you see, especially when it seems like the other fathers are better than yours. You can't really judge another person's relationship with his father. This is really another way people have of imagining a perfect father.
Get expert tips to help your kids stay healthy and happy. Communication surrounding estrangement: stereotypes, attitudes, and non accommodation strategies.
Behav Sci Basel. Your Privacy Rights. To change or withdraw your consent choices for VerywellFamily. At any time, you can update your settings through the "EU Privacy" link at the bottom of any page. These choices will be signaled globally to our partners and will not affect browsing data. We and our partners process data to: Actively scan device characteristics for identification. I Accept Show Purposes. As you get ready to meet again, push aside the fantasies and be prepared for reality.
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Log In Never created a password? You are not currently subscribed. It appears your Facebook email address is not subscribed to PureWow. Please indicate how you like to proceed:. I am not currently subscribed to PureWow. I am already subscribed to PureWow. Please log in to your account. Like What You See? Please accept the terms and privacy statement by checking the box below. Sign up for PureWow Recipes. A valid email address is required. I could no longer wrap my head around his fundamentalist Christian worldview, and he couldn't understand why my own worldview was changing so drastically.
It sucked. Eventually, though, I realized that I was part of our problem. I wanted our conversations to change his mind, and when it didn't work out that way, I'd get really mad at him. I finally saw how my own behavior was echoing my strict, religious upbringing , and it freaked me out.
When I finally decided that I was percent done trying to change his mind, he surprised me by following suit. Give your dad a chance to do the same thing. Maybe you and your dad share most of the same political and spiritual ideologies. If so, congrats! And also, what the hell is that even like? If, however, you two disagree on some pretty fundamental political issues — like trans rights, Black Lives Matter , and whether or not Donald Trump should be allowed microphone access — then don't talk about that stuff with him.
I know it sucks, because if you're like me, it's probably very important for you to find like-minded people to discuss potentially controversial topics with. Your dad might never be one of those people, though, and that's OK.
You can loathe your father's political stance on reproductive rights and still like the guy. It's all about focusing on the positive. As Simon puts it, "Over time, we come to accept our parents and each other as having good and bad traits; we realize we can love and hate the same person and we find ways of emphasizing the positive aspects of the relationship, rather than dwelling on what doesn't work.
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